Grateful

Tonight when I was in the show, I didn’t even get into the music. I don’t know what it is. I think maybe I was too self conscious. Somehow the Dead didn’t sound as wonderful as I was used to hearing them. They sounded so mechanical or something.

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I need a hero. I need someone I want to be like. You may think I’m crazy, but I’m not. You may be thinking, “Why don’t you be yourself?” It’s because everyone’s “self” is molded by their environment, the books they read, the music they listen to, the TV, their school, their parents, and a million other things. Even though all this has gone into me, I still feel like I don’t like myself. I need someone to respect, to look up to. I need someone who can teach me. You know how people hire guitar teachers or language teachers? I need a teacher like that who can teach me how to live and how to love. At one time the Dead and Robert Hunter were my heroes, but I would never admit it if you asked me. I don’t really know why. I guess 1 was a little ashamed of it because I knew how foolish it seemed-But I’d always catch myself, fists clenched and raised high during the show like they had just scored the winning goal for my team. They were great, but I couldn’t go home with them after the show. I’d always leave feeling tike a loser. That is why I feel like I still need a hero.